An open letter to Adele:

Dear Adele,

I’d like to start by saying that you are an amazingly talented lady. Your voice is beautiful, and I’m happy that you’re no longer recovering from that throat surgery that left you momentarily mute. You also can pull off a bold red lip better than anyone else I’ve seen. However, I have a bone (or two!) to pick with you.

First, let’s talk about this guy you dated, who is the premise of your whole album, 21. You dated for a couple years, or so I surmise. You say this guy left you for someone half his age. Being only 21 when the album was released, I’m wondering how old this fellow is, because he REALLY shouldn’t be dating someone who is considerably younger than yourself. If he is, maybe law enforcement should be informed. As well, that would imply that if his activities are not illegal, he’d be nearly twice your age, which would be a tad hypocritical of you. Additionally, you bat back and forth between hating him, seemingly willing to firebomb his house, and wanting him back so badly that you nearly engage in stalking behavior (showing up at his house, for example). I don’t think that I need to inform you that it’s not particularly healthy to do that, because I think you already know. It's fine to be on one side or the other of that argument, but either way, stalking isn't fine.

When I was in what seemed like the very pit of despair, your songs were what I wanted. They were sad, and slow, and full of anguish. In short, they were exactly what a heartbroken girl needed. After some time though, I came to realize that they were not the kind of songs that made you happier, they are completely for wallowing. Your songs are beautiful when you want to sit in the dark and cry and munch on pints of Häagen-Dazs. I’m sure you can picture as well as I a sobbing, obese young woman screaming “YOU GET ME, ADELE. YOU SO GET ME”. This isn’t the image I’d like to associate with you, but it is.

Now that I’m beyond the wallowing stage, it’s best to put away the album. Wallowing, although it feels fantastic for a few days, doesn’t help you bounce back from your crappy breakup. I try to avoid your songs like the plague, changing the radio station or the TV channel when you come on. This saddens me, but is really for the best.

On a happier note, I hear you’ve gotten healthier, and found a new man, one who hopefully doesn’t brutalize your heart. As I noted before, you have a lovely voice, so perhaps this will cause you to make some nice, fun songs that are more all-occasion.

Best wishes,

Caitlin.