Montana on my Mind
I've recently been feeling a little fragmented. I move a lot, but the past few months have really kicked it up a notch. I'm not feeling as stable as I would like to, and that's something that has been bothering me a lot. Actually, that's an understatement. It's been bothering me so much that I feel like I haven't gotten a good night's sleep since June 26th.
Recently, I had a mental health hiatus from my online life and, I think we can all admit, online personality. It's been really difficult for me to have a tidy, polished Instagram feed when my life feels like it is never going to be tidy and polished. Several of you sent very nice messages asking how I was doing, and I tried to respond to as many as possible, but it's still really hard to admit that I don't feel like things are together.
Online you only get to see one tiny fragment of what my life looks like, and the past few weeks, that tiny perfect fragment has gotten smaller and smaller.
So. Why is this post called Montana? I'm currently sitting in the kitchen at my parents' house in Montana, thinking about what the next few months are going to be like. Back in April, I felt like I was falling apart. My job was awful, and I was really not interested in living in Minneapolis anymore. What started out as a week-long hiatus from my life there ended up being nearly three weeks, and then a plan to go there for a semi-permanent time.
That's been kind of the major development. Charles and I have relocated to Montana for a while. I'm not sure for how long, but for a bit. This has been hard in a lot of ways, but mostly because my idea of Montana has changed.
Montana has always been this mythical place for me. It's what I considered to be my hometown, but in reality, I've lived here very little that I can remember. The last three years of my life have been when I've spent the most meaningful time here. I often feel like I'm still thinking of Montana through the lens of being five and running through the empty fields of the Big Sky Country.
Montana does have a lot of meaningful qualities. It has the most beautiful nature that I've ever seen. There's something about it that escapes description.It could be the open air, the rugged nature around every corner, the people...it’s hard to put my finger on it. But this is the place for me.
Unfortunately, it's been hard to find my feet this time. We found a tiny little house in a new town. I don't know anyone. I don't know if I like my upcoming job yet. I'm concerned about what our life looks like. I'm worried about little things and big things and all the in-between things. I hate that I can't find restaurants that I like, or a routine that feels comfortable. I've had high anxiety since the move that I just cannot shake. It's been evident in the blog, and also personally as I grapple with getting back on the horse.
I've been working on thinking of Montana as more than just a place, but also as a state of mind to help quiet some of these thoughts. The resilience...the willingness to be honest and approach challenges well...it's something that I am hoping will start to come easier as I continue my Montana journey. I'm hoping to get on the horse.
We all have struggles. I'm hoping that if you're having some right now as well that you will join me in my Montana state of mind for a little while.
Share your thoughts down below. How do you get through high anxiety and stress? Let me know!
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